But Are You Listening

Most women my age (almost mid-thirties) are pretty sure of the things, relationships & types of friendships they want in their life. And hopefully they, we, me make those expectations pretty clear to those around us. I’m not soft spoken by far but I wonder……

I had a friend that I thought was good company but then started to realize they weren’t good company at all. Sure we’d have fun at the bars but this person started to make me feel a certain way about myself. “You’re bi-polar, a mean person, a bad person, a bad friend”. What? Things I’d never heard anyone charge to my character.  If you hear it enough you’ll start to believe it. I didn’t start to believe it but I started to question and doubt myself. My expectations were clear from the beginning. You’re not going to talk to me like that or make me feel bad.  Finally I said, enough is enough! You’re not a friend at all. You are an arrogant,  mean idiot that isn’t happy with your own life so you tried to cast your darkness on me. No more.
*burns sage*
I remember before another one of  my friends moved out to Diego I would talk to her for hours damn near daily. She knew how I was feeling about being lonely,  not having many friends out here and after she moved here we barely talk. That was shocking. Me feeling lonely is not her problem. She didn’t have a say in me moving to a city where I knew one. However she did know how I’d been having trouble meeting good genuine people. She herself had the same problem in Dallas. But now that’s she’s here I feel like the forgotten friend. I’ve invited her to things around the city but I’ve been mostly unsuccessful in getting her to attend anything. We did go to a play. That was cute. But I was the third leg (unexpectedly). I’ve expressed myself enough in this area. I’m done asking, damn near begging for some girlfriend time. No worries.

Dear God, you know the desires of my heart and for forever I’ve wanted a baby. I still want one. It just seems that the chips are not falling quite right.

I’m talking, wishing, dreaming, longing, praying,  giving but they don’t hear me tho’



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